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Oct 18, 2007, 7:36 PM
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#601 | |
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Junior
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Chicago
Posts: 46
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Quote:
heres a good one A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you." The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck. Last edited by driftking03 : Oct 18, 2007 at 7:44 PM. |
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Oct 18, 2007, 8:45 PM
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#602 | |
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Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: IL
Posts: 1,414
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Oct 23, 2007, 12:36 PM
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#603 |
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T1, Top Gear Track King
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Depends??????
Posts: 3,787
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Another joke,
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!" "It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!" "Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!" |
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Oct 23, 2007, 3:37 PM
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#604 | |
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Banned
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Coventry, England, UK - the home of Jaguar & the London taxi!
Posts: 7,760
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Oct 23, 2007, 5:28 PM
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#605 | |
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Terminal Lance
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The bush outside your house, looking through your window
Posts: 4,760
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Quote:
A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level. "Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die." "OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level." "Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die." "Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level." "Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood. "All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me." "Oh, no, I can't do that." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk.
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Harrison Ford For President! |
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Oct 26, 2007, 5:11 AM
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#606 |
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F50 Luva
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,353
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A retard and a friend of his go off a plane to go parachuting. The retard's friend jumps off first, and unfortauntely his parachute fails to open. He is on the verge of death. Then the retard jumps, sees that his friend hasn't opened his parachute and goes "oh, so you wanna race now do you?"
--- a guy wanted to try out for a job in an organization. the boss stated that he can get in if he passes one test. he asks him to strip his clothes. he ties a bell around his penis. he sends him into a room of nine other men, all wearing the bell around their penis as well. Then the boss stated "a naked lady will walk in and if you get an erection, you fail". a naked lady walked in, and the man's bell started ringing. he pleaded for another chance. she walked in again, and his bell rang again. after so many chances, the boss said he was not fit for the job. he said to pack and leave at once. just as the man bends down to pick up his bag, the other nine bells start ringing. --- How does a retard try and kill a fish? by drowning it. How does a retard try and kill a bird? by throwing it off a cliff. --- yo mamma so fat that when she turned around it was her birthday again. yo mamma so ugly/scary that the boogeyman is scared of her at night. yo mamma so dumb she invented a white highlighter. --- 3 men came to a cliff. a man there stated that when you jump and scream for it, you will land in it. the first man jumped off, yelled "money", so he landed in money. the second man jumped off, and yelled "women" so he landed in women. the third guy went to the edge of the cliff, tripped over a rock and as he fell he said "Oh $hit!"
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"Does NSW stand for Non-Sivilised World?" ~ Ty |
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Oct 26, 2007, 1:13 PM
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#607 |
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Poster
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Daytona Beach FL
Posts: 407
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ahhh, i remember the "yo mamma" jokes, here is a couple oldies but goodies:
yo mamma is so hairy, her tits look like coconuts yo mamma's teeth are so yellow, she spits butter yo mamma is so stupid, she stared at a orange juice box for 20 minutes because it said "concentrate" yo mamma is so old, she was in Jesus' yearbook
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(CCX + US street legal)+$600,910=time to play the lotto! |
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Oct 26, 2007, 6:36 PM
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#608 |
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Banned
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Brazil, Parana, Curitiba.
Posts: 4,095
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Subject A , Subject B and Swedish in...
A happy conversation Subject A:Swedish why you do that you little f####r!! subject A head's blow up Swedish:jackasss... Subject B:why he would do that swed? Swedish:And why he wouldn't? Subject B head's blow up THE END Last edited by Swedish_BR : Oct 27, 2007 at 1:40 PM. |
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Oct 28, 2007, 4:30 AM
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#609 |
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SCF Addict
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Newcastle, UK & Monaco
Posts: 5,218
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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro." - "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen. - "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. - "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." - "You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over -- I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" - "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno." |
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Oct 30, 2007, 8:56 PM
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#610 |
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Enthusiast
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago IL (USA) Infractions: Oh ****!
Posts: 1,732
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I was in the circus once.
Really? No, I'm just clowning around. Muahahahahahahah! I need a TV show.
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An understeering two ton compact sedan? No thanks, I have testicles and a brain.~CVan |
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Oct 30, 2007, 9:46 PM
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#611 | |
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Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: IL
Posts: 1,414
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Quote:
Oh, and btw, I reported you, and Popsicle (TM) wants to sue you a gajillion $$$ for stealing their joke off a popsicle stick  Knock, knock! Who's there? Your engine Oh Crap!!! 93 octane FTL!!! (get it, knock, knock?) |
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Nov 01, 2007, 6:36 PM
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#612 |
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Enthusiast
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago IL (USA) Infractions: Oh ****!
Posts: 1,732
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Aye! I heard that in math class.
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An understeering two ton compact sedan? No thanks, I have testicles and a brain.~CVan |
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Nov 01, 2007, 7:13 PM
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#613 |
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Bounty: $322.00
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Carbon Canyon
Posts: 3,913
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What do you call an army of babies in their walkers?
Mobile Infantry
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NOS Energy Drink: Good for the body, not for the ride. |
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Nov 02, 2007, 8:47 AM
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#614 |
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SUPER TROOPER
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 6,877
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How do you stop a baby from crying?
Kill it. How do you stop a baby from dying? Stop throwing knives at it. 2 cows were standing in a field. One said "moo". The other said "wow!!! I was just about to say that!!" 1 1 was a racehorse , 2 2 was 1 2. 1 1 1 1 race 2 2 1 1 2.
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Apple users are rapists - me So apple fanboys drive CLS's? - Coop |
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Nov 02, 2007, 9:13 AM
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#615 |
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Banned
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Brazil, Parana, Curitiba.
Posts: 4,095
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why the 6 have fear of the 7?
because the 7 is bigger than the 6!! Last edited by Swedish_BR : Nov 02, 2007 at 11:10 AM. |
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