An old lady from the country went to a big city for the first time. She crossed the busy street against the traffic, but somehow managed to attain the opposite kerb in one piece. A policeman asked her, "Didn't you see that light? It says, 'Don't Walk'!"
The old lady replied, "Oh yes, I saw it, but I thought it was an advertisement for a bus company!"
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"Where will I catch the number 733 bus?"
"In the small of the back, unless you get off the road!"
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"I wonder how I got that puncture?" "You probably picked it up at the last fork in the road."
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"Yes Officer, I was a bit over the speed limit. You see my brakes aren't working and I want to get home before I have an accident!"
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A grandmother's advice to a young driver: "Take it easy, my boy. Drive no faster than your guardian angel can fly."
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"When I die, I want to go out just like my grandfather, in his sleep, peaceful and quiet... not kicking and screaming like the other guys in his car"
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Cars run on smoke. If any leaks out they don't work.
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Cars a getting really small these days. I stuck my arm out for a left turn and a sports car ran up my sleeve!
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Car sickness: what you get when the repair bill arrives in the mail.
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Drive carefully. Remember, a car isn't the only thing that can be recalled by its maker.
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If you drive carelessly, your car might last you your lifetime!
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I've got a new car, but I only get three miles to the gallon. My teenage son gets the rest!
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Did you know that freeways are mentioned in the Bible? "The Lord made every creeping thing..."
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I solved the parking problem - I bought a parked car!
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The attendant was filling the tank of a big fuel burner and saw fit to ask the driver, "Do you mind switching off a minute? It's getting ahead of me!"
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Sign in desert: Last chance to buy fuel. Next five petrol stations are mirages.
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The best way to make an old car run better is to look at the price of a new one.
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Nothing is more exasperating than being stuck in traffic by a guy who's observing the speed limit!
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"I knew of a driver who was going at 140km/h trying to beat a train to a level crossing!"
"Did he get across?"
"Yes, a lovely marble one!"

if you like please email me @ ryanscott2004@msn.com i garantee a reply within 2 days

A grandmother's advice to a young driver: "Take it easy, my boy. Drive no faster than your guardian angel can fly."I like this one :)

I liked this one the most:
"Drive carefully. Remember, a car isn't the only thing that can be recalled by its maker." :lol:

The attendant was filling the tank of a big fuel burner and saw fit to ask the driver, "Do you mind switching off a minute? It's getting ahead of me!"

Certain cars come to mind here-
Hummer H2, RollsRoyce Phantom, Porsche Cayenne...